Globodyne is a consolidator of media properties.
Globodyne is a consolidator of media properties. Consolidator. Oh, no!
Globodyne's a consolidator of media properties and data retrieval...
...with a focus in fiber-optic content provision.
It's basically a synergy of Web-based...
...and platform-based UNlX-driven delivery systems.
Okay, I made that last part up.
We spent months on this trip. I just assumed...
...that you knew you needed a passport to get into Russia.
But if I should have told you, then I'm really sorry, Mr. Fairbanks.
It's not my fault airport security strip-searched you, Mr. Fairbanks.
I mean, maybe you shouldn't have made that joke. You know?
Hon? Fire.
You know what, I'm gonna load you up with drink coupons.
Blanca? Can you make this little man something to eat?
Are you sure about this?
The trainer said it's just a minor annoyance.
He said it just reminds him to be a little less vocal.
-Hey, Dick. -Morning, Joe.
That a new car?
It's the new Mercedes S500.
You can only special-order these from Germany.
-How's it run? -Well, it's a Mercedes.
Check this out.
Mercedes, on.
Yeah? Well, watch this.
Beemer, sit. Stay.
Play dead. Good boy.
That's cute, Dick. Mercedes, off.
"lt has come to our attention that certain departments...
...have begun to run into situations." Situations.
The big boys want to see you upstairs.
Which floor? Twentieth?
Twenty-sixth?
Thirty-second?
-Not the 51 st? -Yes.
Congratulations, Mr. Harper.
-Go ahead and wrap this up. -Okay.
-How do I look? -Great.
-Anything in my teeth? -No.
I need a paper bag.
-Hey, Oz. -Hey, Dick. Morning.
It is, isn't it? Sure is.
-Yeah. -Yeah.
Hey, did you...? Did you hear about Bill?
-Oh, yeah. That's.... That's wild. -Yeah.
Yeah. I wonder.... I wonder who's gonna take his place.
That's the big mystery.
Yeah. Yeah.
-You getting off? -Not this time, Oz.
Son of a bitch!
That's it.
Hello. I'm...
...Dick Harper, and I'm here to see Jack McCallister.
Oh, well, that's him now, sorry. He had to step out.
Dick.
Damn glad to finally see you up here.
Hey, man.
-Frank Bascombe, CFO. -Nice to meet you, Frank.
Nice to meet you. Listen, Dick. Dick.
Jack's very sorry that he couldn't be here to congratulate you.
Well, on becoming the new VP of Communication.
Are you--?
-Holy.... Thank you. -No, no, no.
But also, he wanted to invite you to his house...
...for an orientation meeting on Monday morning.
Dick? Ann's got the address.
All right. Sure, I'll get that. Okay. Ann?
-Thanks. -Sure.
And thank you...
...Frank.
Cool exit.
How do you like your eggs?
Pardon me!
Ours is an age of unmeasured prosperity,
Oh, yeah.
-You know what? -What?
You should quit your job.
-Quit my job? -Yeah.
Do you even know what you're getting paid? I mean, I can't quit my job.
Well, not specifically, but....
Bob got VP last month, he's making 1 50 plus bonuses.
Come on, you wanna spend more time with Billy.
Do it. Just-- Come on.
Do it. Do it. Quit your job.
We must never become a winner-take-all society,
-You know what we should do? -What?
We should have sex...
...on Saturday.
I'll buy candles.
I'll pick up the new Starbucks sampler featuring Sade.
Oh, you animal. That is gonna be so wild.
Yeah.
Thank you.
Just make yourself at home.
Right.
Dick.
Yeah. Mr. McCallister.
-Dick. Hey, call me Jack. -Likewise.
With my name. Dick, I mean.
Man. Dick Harper.
Dick Harper.
Dick Harper playing the harp. Harpo Marx playing the jew's-harp.
D.H. DH.
You're my designated hitter.
I need you to step up into the batter's box...
...and knock one out of the ballpark for me.
-Gone. -You ever have a nickname?
Well, it was....
Squirt. The Squirt.
Something about how I was conceived, I don't know.
We gonna think of something. Have trouble finding the place?
No, sir. By the way, what a absolutely beautiful hou-- Home you have.
So then my lawyer says to her lawyer:
"lf she thinks she's getting that yacht, she's a little dingy."
He always-- He loves that one.
The point is that we need somebody...
...who projects confidence in this position.
We've seen how you handle yourself.
You've been a great cheerleader for this company.
So we were thinking that....
-Well, you go ahead and tell him. -No, you go ahead.
What's up, guys? Come on. Don't hold out on me here. What?
We want you to go on MoneyLife this afternoon...
...and announce our quarterly projections.
You're the guy. You're the guy we have faith in.
You can get our positive spin out there.
Right. Positive spin.
These are fickle times, Dick.
We need to stick together as a team.
Like my daddy always used to say....
Well, you can count on me, sir.
I mean, I can't tell you how happy I am.
-Thank you. -How were those eggs Florentine?
-Best I've ever had. -Good answer.
I'm on the plane right now!
Do you know what's sitting in front of me? Do you know?
A kosher meal! A kosher meal!
How many times do I need to tell you?! I don't need a kosher meal!
I'm Episcopalian!
No-- No, you, miss-- You-- No, you grow up!
For-- No, you, miss--
Phyllis, can l...? Can I talk to you for a minute?
-Here's a yell! -It's personal.
-Never actually had makeup on. -I'm happy for you.
-Hi. -Hi.
-Where's Sam? -Washington.
These are your talking points. They were just faxed over.
And Sam is on the line for you.
Hello, Mr, Harper,
Hey, Sam. How you doing? Nice talking to you.
I thought you were gonna be here.
-Me too, I hear it's beautiful there, -That's the thing--
-Okay, Dick, we're on in five, -Yep, sure.
--three, two....
Today we're talking with the new VP of Communications at Globodyne,,,
,,,Dick Harper, How you doing, Dick?
Just terrific, Sam. Thank you for asking.
And so is Globodyne, by the way.
Now, Dick, tell me, what is the shareholder to make,,,
,,,of the fact that Jack McCallister, your CEO,,,
,,,has unloaded a considerable share of his stocks?
I think CEOs sell their stocks for many reasons, Sam.
Both professional and personal.
Actually, over the past year, Jack McCallister has sold 80 percent,,,
,,,of his holdings through shell companies,
Now, how do you explain that?
The reasons for doing something like that would be--
Losing you there. Hold on.
The reasons for doing something like that would be.... Could be many.
Both....
There's also talk of some of the Globodyne portfolio documents,,,
,,,being subpoenaed,
Specifically those of your CFO, Frank Bascombe,
Now, joining us with his insights, is presidential hopeful Ralph Nader,
Really?
Hi, Ralph. Big fan, love your stuff.
I wish I could say the same, I don't know how you sleep at night,
Corporations like Globodyne pervert the American dream,
The super-rich get richer,
You are a disgrace,
Ralph, I don't know where you're getting your statistics.
I can only say that, in my estimation, Globodyne is transparent.
We'd be more than willing to share any and all documentation.
What is going on?
Can somebody tell me what the heck is--?
Hey, there's a fi-- Somebody should--
Okay.
This can't be good.
Out of my way!
-Hey, that's my ficus! -My ficus!
You're not even from this floor! Help! Security!
What's going on?
Oh, so Dick finally wants to know what's going on.
Frank?
Methinks somebody made a boo-boo.
Maybe we didn't know how to use Quicken. Yeah, that could be it.
Frank. Frank. Try to focus. Okay? What's happening to Globodyne?
-Globodyne? -Yeah, what happened, Frank?
-We took our shifting losses... -Yeah?
-...and we put them into businesses... -Yeah, yeah?
...that we actually owned.
And then the balance sheet...
...it showed profit.
But actually, there was...
...debt.
What the hell?!
You're sick.
-I want you to hit me. -Frank, let go of me now.
-I want you to hit me. -Let go, you're scaring me.
-Hit me. -Frank! Get off!
And I have the 6000 greatest partners a man could ask for,
Mr. McCallister?
I don't know what to tell you.
We're just a cell in a much larger organism called the global economy.
Weak companies have to die so that stronger companies can get stronger.
-It's just nature. -Nature? What?
You ever read Walden Pond? It's all in there.
Hey, you send him a copy of the tape.
What about the other employees, sir?
They're gonna be fine. Don't go there.
This is America, the land of opportunity.
I don't know, sir. With all due respect, this doesn't feel right.
Step away from the rotors now, boy. They gonna chop your head clean off.
Honey? I'm home.
Oh, and the vice president is home!
I see you got them digging the hot tub.
I know. Yes, I called the guy. They came right out.
-That almost never happens. -I know. We're so lucky.
Dinner's ready!
-Look at it! -Oh, my gosh!
Look! I did it and it's perfect!
My gosh! That could feed a family of four.
I mean.... I-- In my-- Look at that, Billy.
I'm surprised you left off the hooves.
You know, before we get into that, I have some wonderful news.
Mama quit her job!
-I did. I did, I did! -You did?
-lsn't that great? -My gosh! That's incredible!
Oh, the timing of it, it was just beautiful, Dick. And, oh, thank you.
I just-- I just did it!
No. Oh, boy.
And now, you know what...
...I can spend so much more time with my beautiful boy.
-Yeah. -Now, what's your news, big Mr. VP?
I have something of an announcement to make.
It turns out that a very wonderful opportunity has just presented itself...
...in the form of me...
...not necessarily working at Globodyne anymore.
Were you fired?
I wasn't fired. Globodyne tanked.
-Dick! -Jeez. "Fired."
What do you mean? How could that happen?
They just gave you a promotion. And--
There is nothing to worry about. I'll get my severance...
...money from my pension. We're fine.
I am a winner. Billy, tell your father he's a winner.
See?
-Hey! Our first day at home together. -Hey.
Let's have a big family breakfast.
Oh, gosh, honey, Billy's already gone to school...
...and I gotta meet him for that Mommy & Me lunch thing.
What are you gonna do? Are you gonna look for a job?
You know what, I think I might just take this day.
Great. I do. I think you should.
But, listen, I gotta go pick up that thing at the thing.
Baby, I gotta go. I'm sorry. Sorry.
Okay, good.
I'll see you later, baby. Have a really good time.
Bye.
Okay.
Cheers.
Former CFO Frank Bascombe has been indicted,,,
,,,on charges of fraud and money laundering,
Lead investigators say all roads lead to Mr, Bascombe,
And no evidence has yet,,,
,,, to link former CEO Jack McCallister to this growing scandal,
We've all had to make sacrifices,
I sold my place in Jackson Ho-- No,
-Martha 's Vineyard, -Oh, shut up!
God.
Hey, bud. Hey, hey, hey. Can't be that bad, can it, bud?
God!
Oh, you know it.
So can I send you a resume?
No, I got a terrific one here. You'll love it.
Do you have a fax number?
So there are no new openings at this time. Right.
And what about the near future?
Yeah. Sure. I could stop calling.
This afternoon. Okay.
I'll be there. Bye.
Hon. I got an interview at Pyramid Tech.
I was really starting to wonder there.
Hey!
Hold on!
-Dick. -Oz.
Wanna go get a drink?
-You buying? -Sure.
-Harper? -Yeah.
-Dick Harper! -Yeah.
You don't have to stand in this line. Come on with me.
Hey, Oz. Rain check.
Son of a bitch!
Okay, rip it out. Get it on the truck.
Hector, what's going on? What--?
-What happened? -Your check go bouncy-bounce.
But it's okay, I heard what happened to your husband.
Not everybody could afford landscaping like this, eh?
-Hector, please. -I am sorry, Miss Jane.
Oh, no, no, no. No! No, no!
This is all-- Everything, it's all wrong.
I want this out. Roll it all up.
I ordered Kentucky bluegrass.
This is green.
-Dick Harper! What a stroke of luck. -Oh, jeez.
I'm sorry, I don't remember where you know me from.
Oh, I don't know you.
I just saw you spaz out MoneyLife. Oh, my God, that was great.
Hey, some of the fellas would like to meet you.
-Hello, Dick. -I can't believe it's really you.
-Oh, my God, it's him. -Did you bring your statistics?
We have an expression around here when someone makes a mistake.
It's called "pulling a Dick."
Up high, up high.
Have you seen DickHarperlsATool.com?
Oh, you're gonna love this. This is dynamite.
I don't know where you're getting your statistics,
Who is that? Who is that? It's you! It's you!
Can we just get on with the job interview?
This guy!
We couldn't hire you! We just wanna take your picture.
Okay, everybody, little bit closer. One, two, three.
Statistics!
Hey, how'd it go?
Oh, not too bad.
It was good practice.
-What are you doing? -Going through our finances.
I'm not sure...
...but it seems that we may be in a little bit of a pickle, Dick.
Well, sure, our financial bounce-back has taken a bit longer than expected...
...but, you know, that's natural.
Our lawn was repossessed today. I didn't even know they could do that.
I think maybe it's time you start thinking about accepting something...
...a little bit lower than a vice-presidency.
No. Took me 1 5 years to get a VP-ship. If I step back now...
...I'll lose everything I worked for.
We're just gonna have to suck it up for a couple months.
In a couple of months, we'll be declaring bankruptcy.
-Oh, come on. -Our savings--
Look. Our savings was in Globodyne stock.
Jesus. And, look, our pension was in Globodyne stock.
Everything was in Globodyne stock! All of it!
The lawn is covered with dirt! It is so much fun!
I have made a mud man!
Now, Billy is looking at the glass half full.
Hon, relax. We've got 600 grand.
-Where? -We're standing in it. Our house.
Since Globodyne, the local property market crashed, Dick.
If we sold our house today, we would owe the bank 1 50 grand.
I knew it. It was churning in my gut...
-...and I didn't listen. -lt would be okay.
You said we could afford this house and take out a second mortgage...
...so that we could put in the pool, redo the kitchen...
-I said that. -...and now we are on the verge...
...of losing the house. If we lose the house...
...then Billy loses all sense of security and later, never have a relationship...
...so he'll just spend his whole life just alone.
There he'll be, just alone, nobody with him, just like a bum.
Hon? Hon? You need a paper bag?
You said everything was gonna be okay.
Mr. Dick! Something wrong with the electricity!
Well, if you're gonna do it, be the best.
Hi, I'm Lucy, and I'll be your Kostmart training team leader.
I am so happy to welcome you to the Kostmart team.
Now, we work hard here, but we play hard also.
I think we're gonna have a good time here...
...because at Kostmart, we're more than a store. We're family.
Now, before we get started...
...I am gonna need you all to piss in one of these cups.
-It's taking a little while. -Just relax.
I've been married for 20 years. I know what it looks like.
You want me to get you a cola?
It's just hard to do while you're standing there watching.
I could sell you my pee for $1 00.
I been off the pipe for two years. Thank you, Jesus.
Unfortunately, we don't have any positions available in Pilates or yoga.
But we are looking for a Jeet Kun Do instructor.
Yes. I mean, that's-- Oh, my-- I thought--
I didn't even-- I didn't say that?
I was born doing...
...that.
-Hi, welcome to Kostmart. -Watch.
Hi! Welcome to Kostmart.
Check out our makeup counter on aisle 1 2B.
Welcome to Kostmart. Check out our CDs. Garth Brooks on sale, aisle 51.
Welcome to Kostmart. Your local gun emporium.
Aisle 42, hunting gear.
And the next thing I knew, I was wearing it.
-Well, Jane. -Hey, Veronica.
-Hi, how are you? -Good, good.
I didn't know you worked out here.
Welcome to Kostmart. I hope you'll take a trip by the deli today...
...for a complimentary cube of jalapeno cheddar.
I'm lactose intolerant. Where do you keep the cigarettes?
Behind the counter.
-But I'm not sure that's a good-- -Dick? You missed one.
I'll get it. I'll get it. Wait. Ma'am? Ma'am. Welcome!
Here we go. Hi. Hi.
My name's Jane, and I'll be your instructor for beginners' Jin Ku Pow.
So let's just get right into it. Here we go.
We're just gonna loosen up a little bit.
Here we go. Yeah. There we go. And ho. And hit.
Excuse me! Ma'am!
And jab. And jab.
-Now I gotcha! -Get this!
It's punch. And punch. And step. And kick!
-lt burns. -I saw you eyeballing me...
...when I came in. You were all up in my goodies.
You know something? I'm glad you fired me.
How's a person supposed to survive and feed their family on that salary?
It's a lease.
I don't know why we didn't think of this before. It's such a good idea.
We're sorry we couldn't pay you. We have no money.
It's okay. Your son is very important to me.
I would do anything for him, Mr. Richard.
In the meantime, thank you for letting us pay you in appliances.
Yeah.
Congratulations.
Hey, think about this:
How many places you'll see on one tank of gas.
-You want me to drive? -Yeah.
Here it is!
We can live without it. People have lived without these things.
-There goes the boxing match. -You can go to a bar.
It's rigged anyway.
What are you doing with the television?
-You're going to sell it! -No, no. Billy!
God! Just go, Dick!
Damn it, Blanca, grab him!
-Papa! Mama! -Go! Go, go!
-Don't take my Telemundo! -Go! Go! Hurry, hurry!
SpongeRoberto SquarePantalones!
-God! Just go, go, go! -I want my MTV Latino.
Dick, what are we gonna do?
We've run out of things to sell.
Well....
-There's always prostitution. -Dick.
I mean me.
We just gotta look for more work, that's all.
There is no work, Dick. There's 6000 other people out of work.
Vice presidents are working at Burger King.
It's gonna be fine. All we need is $400...
...and we're good for another month. This is just temporary. So stay calm.
-And don't panic! -Damn.
Are you going to sit in the dirt hole all night long?
-Come on, hon, let's get out. -Yeah.
I'm starting to turn into a raisin anyway.
What's the matter? You look sad, Richard.
Blanca, call me Dick.
Well, Blanca, there's just no jobs out there.
I have a cousin who might be able to help you find some work.
It's not much. But it's something.
I need one guy who knows how to paint.
That's me!
Hold on, I got it. I got it. I'm here!
Hey, I was here first!
Congratulations, gUero. You almost got that one.
Don't worry. There'll be more.
That thing is already starting to swell up like a balloon.
Is it noticeable?
-No. -Just a little bit.
Did you see that? We should report that guy.
Report him!
-We should report him. -Let's report him.
I do it for you.
This is a new drug in the same family of Botox.
We don't expect any problems.
Your check for $1 4 is waiting for you at the front desk...
...and we think you are all going to look beautiful. Okay.
Now, if you can begin by just filling out those forms.
Those are insurance waivers.
And then you'll find a list of various aspects of your face.
Go ahead and check off anything that you think...
...you might want to improve on just a little bit.
Are deuces still wild?
No.
I'm screwed.
Well, I think I'm gonna go, guys. Carlos. Eduardo. Gustavo.
Pleasure talking to you the last couple hours.
Hey, congratulations on the baby too.
-lNS! -All right, hold it right there.
-lNS? -Hold it right there.
You're not going anywhere.
-Hold it right there! -You've gotta be kidding.
Oh, this is hilarious.
You guys know the drill. Let's see some papers.
-Against the wall. -Papers.
Where's my wallet? Where'd my wallet go? This is--
-No, no. I dropped my wallet. -Back up.
-Oh, these are doozies. -What do you got?
We got a Don Johnson, Elvis and Opie Taylor.
-Dick Harper, you're free to go. -Dick Harper?
That's me, Dick Harper. Hey, that guy's not Dick Harper! Whoa, jeez!
We don't want problems.
You're making a serious mistake in judgment. I am an American.
You gotta work on your accent, Pablo.
Could we--? You wanna talk to my wife, Jane?
Yeah. Oh, okay, yeah. We'll call your wife, "Yane."
We'll ask her if you're American. And we'll call my wife, Yennifer...
-...and his wife, Yaqueline, too. -It's ringing, it's ringing!
No, wait! I'm an American! I swear to God!
-Hey, watch your language. -Get in there.
Okay, we have our results.
Negative side effects with only three of 1 4 participants in the study.
-That's not bad. Let's see, now. -Hello?
-Jill? Hi, Jill. -Dick, what--?
Oh, honey, I can barely under--
What--? Why are you doing that accent?
Holy hell!
I did this little cosmetics test...
...and I had a little reaction. Is it really that bad?
No, it's not so bad. It's just different.
Dick, can we talk about this some other time?
Oh, yeah. Come on, come on. Go, go, go, go!
I gotta go in. I gotta go to bed.
You coming?
I think I'm gonna sit in the car...
...and think for a while.
Okay.
Don't think for too long, we gotta get up early.
Soup kitchens stop serving at 8.
You're still pretty.
I'm not playing anymore.
I've just about had it!
Sorry.
O my God, I'm heartily sorry for having offended thee.
It's okay. I'm putting it back.
I'm putting it back! It's okay.
Hon, what happened?
I got the lawn back.
Got the...?
Oh, Dick.
It's beautiful.
Honey.
Oh, Dick, I love you.
I love you.